Vanessa Pinney’s Blog

January 19, 2009

promises

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:13 pm
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Eurasia is a place of real promise, when a young pilot persuaded the citizens to create a unique republic, a city without a street signs, laws without penalties, events without significance, a sun without shadows.

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January 17, 2009

bad taste

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:04 pm
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This isn’t the good life, full of possibility. You soon come up against the barriers set out by the system. Try getting drunk at a school speech day, or making a mildly racist joke at a charity dinner. Try letting your lawn grow and not painting your house for a few years. Try living with a teenage girl or having sex with your stepson. Try saying you believe in God and the Holy Trinity. Or giving a free room to a refugee family from black Africa. Try taking a holiday in Benidorm, or driving a brand-new Cadillac with zebra upholstery.

January 16, 2009

finally free…

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:27 pm
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I feel free again, for the first time since I joined the Toronto Star and I was inducted into the freemasonry of professional class. Its suffocating regalia still hung in a wardrobe of my mind, the guilt and resentments and self-doubt, demanding to be taken out and paraded in front of the nearest mirror, a reminder of civic duty and responsibility.

January 14, 2009

Conclusions

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 7:43 pm
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I came to the conclusion that you can never reach the point when you really know someone or something. That doesn’t mean you can’t rely on anyone; it just means that you can only know yourself, and yes, it’s easier and safer to rely only on yourself. But now the question is: can I fall in love with someone if I don’t trust him? I don’t trust Mark Savin, but I feel something really strong, and I think I might need to get to know him better. I don’t think it’s possible, though. Anyway, the Eurasia Revolution is a serious thing. Actually, it’s the only thing that I really believe.

January 13, 2009

Meanings of the verb to know

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 11:33 pm
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Is there a place one can really call home? Is there a place you ever get to know completely, in its hidden angles and shadows? Even a person, how can you say you really know someone? What’s the boundary between knowing and not knowing? Is it when you see that person waking up in his worst face? Is when you can predict in advance what he is going to do ? Is it when you can tell his meanest thoughts? Do I know Paul Hampel then? I don’t think I do. But I met this guy Mark, who works for him. I was fascinated by him, and after a few minutes he made me feel as if I’d known him forever.

January 12, 2009

numbers

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:33 pm
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Back in Berlin, everything went back to normality, if something like normality exists. I’d say no, today the place where you are, the people you see and the things you do are not important. Quantity is the only thing that matters. And, as to numbers, I can say I have done quite well recently: 2 jobs at the same time,  6 articles a day, uncountable social relationships, few meals (but every single dinner out this week), and a good number of satisfying nights…one in particular. (As I had sensed, I wasn’t able to resist him. I wasn’t cautious  even for a second; Mark just made me forget about all that crap).

January 11, 2009

can’t help flying

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:48 pm
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Flying back was nice, and I met this guy named Mark Savin, who has changed my life!
I can’t write… I’m too excited about Mark!

January 10, 2009

finally

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 3:24 pm
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Glad that my Canadian job is over. I got on a  plane  a few hours after I was done with work. I couldn’t take staying in my mother’s house any longer, so I left without checking if I had everything with me. I probably forgot something in my old room.
And I was not able to concentrate on  my interview with Paul William Hampel. I can’t help being excited to have met him, though I know I should be cautious with a powerful man like him.

January 8, 2009

back back back

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:59 pm
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I was back in Toronto for a few days again, but it’s time to leave now.
Every time I am leaving, my mother makes a scene.
She moves her right hand, as if she wants to grab a bottle, which she can’t even hold.
Goodbye Mommy. I am going back to my other world, back to my house in the smartest district of the
town, where the beautiful building fronts are constantly redecorated, where socially presentable men and
women go out to eat in exclusive delicatessens and drive around in their BMW’s. I am going back to my
boyfriend, Brian Steiger, who cares for me and loves the way in which I cause him excruciating pain, I am
going back to my job, that I am good at, and I love. In everyone’s mind there’s the world that we choose
for ourselves, which excludes all the other worlds.

October 17, 2008

to love

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:10 pm
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Mom. You’ve always told me that “God loves each of his sons”. I can’t understand love. I only understand that it’s something that you take and use to feel good.

Of course we all want to be loved, but you can’t ask me to give back something that costs me time, money, or deep feelings.
There is one thing I learned since I was a child: Living without loving the people around you is very convenient. It makes you feel stronger and lighter. Of course you need a touch of hypocrisy, but don’t they teach us from childhood that a little fake grin is always well rewarded?
It’s just easier to survive by hating other people. Hatred gives you strength and makes you feel superior.

The others are nothing, I am everything. The one, the only Vanessa Pinney.

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