Vanessa Pinney’s Blog

January 10, 2009

finally

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 3:24 pm
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Glad that my Canadian job is over. I got on a  plane  a few hours after I was done with work. I couldn’t take staying in my mother’s house any longer, so I left without checking if I had everything with me. I probably forgot something in my old room.
And I was not able to concentrate on  my interview with Paul William Hampel. I can’t help being excited to have met him, though I know I should be cautious with a powerful man like him.

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January 8, 2009

back back back

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:59 pm
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I was back in Toronto for a few days again, but it’s time to leave now.
Every time I am leaving, my mother makes a scene.
She moves her right hand, as if she wants to grab a bottle, which she can’t even hold.
Goodbye Mommy. I am going back to my other world, back to my house in the smartest district of the
town, where the beautiful building fronts are constantly redecorated, where socially presentable men and
women go out to eat in exclusive delicatessens and drive around in their BMW’s. I am going back to my
boyfriend, Brian Steiger, who cares for me and loves the way in which I cause him excruciating pain, I am
going back to my job, that I am good at, and I love. In everyone’s mind there’s the world that we choose
for ourselves, which excludes all the other worlds.

Air Conditioning and no thoughts

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:07 am
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I don’t know how I was able to survive 18 years of my life without drowning in the huge bucket of shit that
is my family.
The only thing that gives me hope is that sometimes when you are an asshole you get the end that you
deserve (yes, I am talking about you, mom).
I’d better go back to prepare the interview. I want to show Paul Hampel that he’s not dealing with a cub
reporter, and I don’t want him to think he’ll have a easy time with me just because I am a woman and I am
attracted to him. Brian, who is Paul’s psychologist, told me that Paul is kind of a viscid playboy. Anyway,
without Brian I couldn’t have gotten in contact with Paul Hampel — strange causality, but useful.

November 26, 2008

Brian at school

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 2:45 pm
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I’m thinking about Brian Steiger… Once he told me about his time in school. He was the maverick who attended no lectures and sat no exams, a solitary with a syllabus of his own, but who managed to move on to a postgraduate degree and a successful professional career.

November 22, 2008

animals

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:41 am
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hamster


My mother was convinced that animals were a good remedy against any kind of suffering.
At first she had a hamster, then a cat, a parrot, a turtle, two dogs, and finally a horse.  When she was fed up with a pet or it didn’t amuse her anymore, she would get rid of it and replace it with a new one. Feelings for her were interchangeable as objects.

 

 

November 19, 2008

On the run

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 7:08 pm
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I’m on the run most of the time.
I slept four hours last night.
Going to my mother’s house for the night was a big mistake; the old nightmares came
back to get me.
Paul Hampel, the businessman I am following popped up in my dreams while I was
sleeping and started talking in my father’s accent, telling me I had to take care of my
mother.
Get out of my head, all of you! You belong to two different worlds. I can’t contaminate such
a charming person as Paul with my parents’ world.
When I woke up and saw the scraped ceiling above my head, I had a hard time breathing.

November 16, 2008

moving on

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 12:05 pm
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My contacts here are working fine, anyway. I am going to dinner with one of the bestknown journalists in Canada tonight. It could be a turn for the best.
The black dress should do the trick.
I wish Brian could be here and see how I behave, how I betray him every day.

November 2, 2008

sick homing

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 3:51 am
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Back home. (if you are brave enough to call the gloomy suburbs of Ottawa “home”).
Don’t really know what I was expecting.

Brian Steiger, I miss you! I’m thinking to you…

Everything’s shitty here.
Can’t wait to go back to civilization.
I shouldn’t have accepted this job in Canada. It’s only for two
weeks and I’ve been here for 2 days but it feels like ages, already.
Every time I get out of the air-conditioned office at the newspaper
I start smelling the stink of home and I have to kick the stinky
memories back in their closet.
Which, as I swore 12 years ago, was going to be sealed forever.

October 19, 2008

i don’t care about truth.

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 11:05 pm
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I don’t care about truth. Whenever I need to, I lie, sometimes only to avoid offending people. I am not
mean, who would call me that? I am just my mother’s daughter, I am a product of my milieu, my time.

No shame, no gratitude, no love. When I got to that point, I finally realized I had become an adult.

October 18, 2008

nothing else matters.

Filed under: Uncategorized — vanessapinney @ 10:08 am
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I often think about my aspect and my nature. I would manage to survive in every time and in every place, sharp like a rat.
I’ve never asked myself what is good and what is evil, but only what is useful to me and what is harmful.
The only thing I care for is my life. Nothing else matters.

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